I would love to write more about my grandmother but the pain is still too new. At the funeral people would come up to me and I couldn't remember their names. I would say to myself, I need to remember to ask Mamaw who this or that person was. I started to call her on more than one occaision over the last few days to ask her about so and so. Her phone number is still in my cell phone. Maybe if I leave it there, the last few days will be a bad dream. The hurt and sadness will be around for a very long time. This woman was everything to me. I have so many regrets. I quit calling her as often as I used to because every conversation would somehow end up on the subject of my not going to church. I know it hurt it that I gave up on church a long time ago and she worried so much about my salvation and that of my kids. It was so important to her. I didn't want to hurt her any more so it was easier to just not pick up the phone and call.
I was lucky, I did get to say goodbye. Three weeks ago I called her, she didn't sound right. I had a bad feeling. I had to keep telling her who I was. My first thought when I hung up the phone was "this is the last time I'll talk to her". I didn't think she was going to die but I felt like she'd never know who I was again. Right after that phone call she had a stroke and was hospitalized. She couldn't talk on the phone, wouldn't have anything to do with the phone. I was glad I said what I needed to say when I had the chance.