Wednesday, May 14, 2008


Or nekkid....I have determined that I have no clothes. You know Sunday Go To Meeting clothes? I live in Nike tshirts, faded denim shorts that are raveling pretty bad right now, and the odd pair of capris which would make Tim Gunn pass out because baby my butt is too big and my legs too short for the capri style but they are cheap, readily available, and I can wear them all year round. They just aren't flattering.

This morning I was doing my five a.m. walk with my friend Pam and we were discussing who were are. Pam told a story about a shoe she took to a women's group that was supposed to represent who she was, I said, hmmm, shoes that represent me? It would be either my red Laredo cowboy boots or my red four inch heel pumps. Now anyone that sees me on a daily basis would know that I never wear those shoes any more or even come close to wearing clothes that go with them but they are very representative of the inner me. I love my cowboy boots, always have, always will. My pumps, my Lord, I love high heels. I never wear them any more but I used to wear them every single day and loved them. No my feet never hurt and I wore them because I liked them, not because the fashion magazines told me to, I am short, heels kind of put me on an even playing field, sorta.

I'm not sure what the red says about my personality, other than my red pumps and my red boots hold a special place in my heart and I wore them with everything.

So why am I naked? Well, since I've gained weight and I've been, how do I put this, FAT, for a few years, I refuse to buy clothes. I'm portion controlling, I'm trying hard to walk my ass off, but no matter what I do, it's not enough. Sure my heart is stronger, my cholesterol is probably at a better level but the fact is my butt is still big, my boobs still sag, and it's frustrating as all get out. On a daily basis I don't obsess over my weight, I know that the loss of 60 lbs would change my world, I'm trying, but I don't obsess. I try to eat healthy and make better choices, going back to the whole foods lifestyle gradually, but while I don't obsess I also am making changes so I know that this state I am in is not permanent. So we're back to being's the deal, I'm in serious need of some clothes but I can't bring myself to go to the store and try them on. It's easier to live in the old clothes, until, that moment happens when you have to go somewhere, you have to go out with people, you have to LOOK NICE.

Then I can be found in the floor of the dressing room in Target sobbing, because news flash, I'M FAT. Yeah, you would think I would know this, I would know it everyday when I get out of the tub and see my round stomach in the mirror, but I don't because the clothes I put on fit. They don't hide the fat but they cover it. It's ok. It's when I'm forced to go to the store, find clothes on the rack in what I presume to be my size, take them to the dressing room thinking, ok, I might just look hot in this, only to discover that my butt doesn't quite fit in the pants or maybe the butt slips right in but the button on the waist band is in the wrong place or wait, maybe, they didn't make the waist band long enough? Does that happen? You know the butt fits fine, but you still have three inches in the waist that aren't going to ever come together, under any circumstances.

Clothes shopping is the most traumatic experience in my life and it's not because I'm vain, it's because I'm fat, and while I think I live in the real world regarding my ample behind it's only in the harsh light of the department store dressing room that reality seems to smack me up side the head. I can't bring myself to clothes shop. I just can't do it. It's one of those things that just hurts too much. Are my expectations too high? I don't expect the clothes to make me look thin, I so completely get that, but I do expect them to look better than what I wear everyday, but somehow they seem to look worse.

That is just not right.

Right now, laying on the table in front of me, are the bits and pieces of a sundress I have cut out and am going to sew together. I decided that maybe I should try making a few pieces of clothing. If they don't fit I can use the fabric in a quilt or something right?

We won't discuss how I don't know how to sew. I won't mention how one pattern piece was supposed to be turned over on the wrong side before I cut it out but I didn't notice that until it was too late. I checked and double checked before cutting and still missed that important little fact.

I can't shop for clothes, I can't sew, if one or the other of these issues isn't resolved soon, I may not be able to ever leave the house because naked will be really, truly, NEKKID and there's nothing about that that sounds appealing at all. To anyone......