Wednesday, May 14, 2008


Or nekkid....I have determined that I have no clothes. You know Sunday Go To Meeting clothes? I live in Nike tshirts, faded denim shorts that are raveling pretty bad right now, and the odd pair of capris which would make Tim Gunn pass out because baby my butt is too big and my legs too short for the capri style but they are cheap, readily available, and I can wear them all year round. They just aren't flattering.

This morning I was doing my five a.m. walk with my friend Pam and we were discussing who were are. Pam told a story about a shoe she took to a women's group that was supposed to represent who she was, I said, hmmm, shoes that represent me? It would be either my red Laredo cowboy boots or my red four inch heel pumps. Now anyone that sees me on a daily basis would know that I never wear those shoes any more or even come close to wearing clothes that go with them but they are very representative of the inner me. I love my cowboy boots, always have, always will. My pumps, my Lord, I love high heels. I never wear them any more but I used to wear them every single day and loved them. No my feet never hurt and I wore them because I liked them, not because the fashion magazines told me to, I am short, heels kind of put me on an even playing field, sorta.

I'm not sure what the red says about my personality, other than my red pumps and my red boots hold a special place in my heart and I wore them with everything.

So why am I naked? Well, since I've gained weight and I've been, how do I put this, FAT, for a few years, I refuse to buy clothes. I'm portion controlling, I'm trying hard to walk my ass off, but no matter what I do, it's not enough. Sure my heart is stronger, my cholesterol is probably at a better level but the fact is my butt is still big, my boobs still sag, and it's frustrating as all get out. On a daily basis I don't obsess over my weight, I know that the loss of 60 lbs would change my world, I'm trying, but I don't obsess. I try to eat healthy and make better choices, going back to the whole foods lifestyle gradually, but while I don't obsess I also am making changes so I know that this state I am in is not permanent. So we're back to being's the deal, I'm in serious need of some clothes but I can't bring myself to go to the store and try them on. It's easier to live in the old clothes, until, that moment happens when you have to go somewhere, you have to go out with people, you have to LOOK NICE.

Then I can be found in the floor of the dressing room in Target sobbing, because news flash, I'M FAT. Yeah, you would think I would know this, I would know it everyday when I get out of the tub and see my round stomach in the mirror, but I don't because the clothes I put on fit. They don't hide the fat but they cover it. It's ok. It's when I'm forced to go to the store, find clothes on the rack in what I presume to be my size, take them to the dressing room thinking, ok, I might just look hot in this, only to discover that my butt doesn't quite fit in the pants or maybe the butt slips right in but the button on the waist band is in the wrong place or wait, maybe, they didn't make the waist band long enough? Does that happen? You know the butt fits fine, but you still have three inches in the waist that aren't going to ever come together, under any circumstances.

Clothes shopping is the most traumatic experience in my life and it's not because I'm vain, it's because I'm fat, and while I think I live in the real world regarding my ample behind it's only in the harsh light of the department store dressing room that reality seems to smack me up side the head. I can't bring myself to clothes shop. I just can't do it. It's one of those things that just hurts too much. Are my expectations too high? I don't expect the clothes to make me look thin, I so completely get that, but I do expect them to look better than what I wear everyday, but somehow they seem to look worse.

That is just not right.

Right now, laying on the table in front of me, are the bits and pieces of a sundress I have cut out and am going to sew together. I decided that maybe I should try making a few pieces of clothing. If they don't fit I can use the fabric in a quilt or something right?

We won't discuss how I don't know how to sew. I won't mention how one pattern piece was supposed to be turned over on the wrong side before I cut it out but I didn't notice that until it was too late. I checked and double checked before cutting and still missed that important little fact.

I can't shop for clothes, I can't sew, if one or the other of these issues isn't resolved soon, I may not be able to ever leave the house because naked will be really, truly, NEKKID and there's nothing about that that sounds appealing at all. To anyone......


shortoldlady said...

Oh my! You are having one of my very often occurences: an "everything's wrong" day. First - take a deep breath and let it out while muttering whatever makes you feel better. Then repeat: I am doing my best - that's all I can do. Laugh at your mistakes and then figure out if they can be corrected or better to start over. Get those cowboy boots out as your inspiration and start again (and again if necessary). YOU CAN! And YOU WILL!

Danielle said...

The comment above says it better than I ever could, but I feel your pain Melissa. I think it's great that you're walking so much. There are many things in my life I want to improve, my weight being one, and all I say each day is I'm doing the best I can, and tomorrow is another day.

Anonymous said...

Aw, hugs! I totally get how you're feeling. Youth is wasted in the young, isn't it? This middle age spread thing is the pits. Forget Target! Their clothes aren't cut well and don't look good on anybody! Go to Talbot's. They are a bit pricey but if you only need one nice outfit, it's the place to go. They understand women our age. :o)

TinaTx said...

I can relate to every word you wrote! I can't even tell you how many things are hanging in my closet - with the tags still on them. I could loose 60lbs without ever having to shop for clothes - I have that many different sizes in my closet. I just don't have the right - what-ever-it-is - at the moment to do anything about it, so I just buy bigger jeans. Having to actually 'dress' to go somewhere is a nightmare.
Good luck to you - I hope you shed every pound you want to shed!

Boyett-Brinkley said...

Hi, Melissa!

Another Melissa here! I am going to tell you something that you want and need to hear -- IT IS THE CLOTHES! Now, I am not saying that you don't need to lose your 60 pounds -- so do I -- but it IS the clothing industry. I go shopping with my daughter who is model material and guess what -- they don't fit her either!

Four years ago I lost 65 pounds on a 1000 calorie a day diet -- not something you can stay on for very long -- I lasted 9 months. Yes, I was thinner but I was still round, saggy and then I had droopiness in the neck area to deal with. The clothes didn't fit any better then -- just SMALLER not fitting. Now, four years later, the majority of the weight is back on me and I have conceded that I will never be 125 pounds again but I have decided to give up hating myself.

Do a little catalogue shopping -- no harsh dressing room lights -- you can return if it doesn't fit. I have many catalog items that are good quality, the shirts are LONG enough, and make me feel just fine about myself.

Losing all that weight would be great -- it was great when I did it -- but, at the end of the day your health (physical and emotional) are what matters. It sounds like you are eating healthy and exercising and that is good! I could use a little pep talk that way myself.

So, do a little catalog browsing, make yourself pretty, and SMILE -- we never see ourselves as others see us so realize that your flaws are magnified in your mind. Go out and be the best Melissa you can be right now and you will see a lot of changes in your life. You might not be model thin but you will be happy and that IS what it is all about!

Cheer up!

Jacque said...

Melissa, you are being so hard on yourself!!! I'm barely 5 feet tall so five pounds looks like 20...I hear and feel your pain. That being advice is to go to Dillard's, Macy's or a good department store and invest in a good bra and some spanx or a control top undergarment. They do make a huge difference in the way things fit and look. You are doing your part by eating better and working out....don't continue to beat yourself up in this way!

Kathy said...

Wow!! can I identify with you. I think every word you posted has come out of my mouth at one time or another. Even including the sewing part. I have a wedding to go to in June. No nice clothes to wear. Going to make something,but it still is not cut out. Must do that.

You need to see the play "Menopause, The Musical". It would make you feel better about yourself. It was great. Saw it tonight at a little community theatre.

Hang in there. Having a few extra pounds is not the end of the world. And you will find clothes. As one other commenter suggested, do some catalog shopping. That is what I do. Then try on in the comfort of your own home. If it does not fit, just send it back.

Kim said...

I also suggest the catalog shopping route. It's not nearly as daunting as trekking to the mall only to find everything made for a size 0 or 2 teenage girl with absolutely no hips or momma's pooch! I love JJill clothes and too...very artsy and flowing! I finally told myself that the size tag is just a number and it certainly isn't the same from one brand to another! So go for fit, forget what number is on the tag and smile! Someone once said we would NEVER let someone else speak to us the way WE talk to ourselves, so talk nicely to yourself! You're fabulous the way you are!!! :o)

Anonymous said...

I notice that Melissa didn't mention why she needed an outfit to 'look nice'. Melissa's father passed away a couple of days ago. I know her blogging friends would want to know so that they can offer their sympathy and love. (And Melissa can lose weight if she wants to, but she always looks adorable - inside and out!!)

Jennifer said...

Oh boy can I ever relate!!!

The good news is, you can find clothes that fit you. it will just be a very frustrating and possibly expensive endeavor. My advice is to stay out of places like Target and WalMart and try to go to places that cater to larger sizes. Lane Bryant is good - the clothes fit, they look nice and they're not too expensive if you can hit a sale. Plus they're proportioned for larger women, not designs intended for smaller women that are made with more fabric. Chadwicks online is another place I've had good luck, especially with pants.

I watch a LOT of What Not To Wear and one piece of advice they always, always, always give to women who are unhappy with their bodies is to dress the body they have, not wait until they get the body they want. If you make the most of what you have, you feel better about yourself and you're more motivated to do what you need to do to accomplish your goals. If you dress like a slob, you're telling yourself subconsciously that you don't deserve better.

Hang in there. I know it's hard, but there is nice clothes out there!

Juanita said...

Wow... you sound like me. I used to LOVE clothes shopping, but that was 30 or so lbs. ago. Now, it's just a chore. Nekkid does seem like a good alternative some days. LOL

Personally, I blame the clothes. It seems that most of them are made for stick figures, not grown women, with women's bodies. Learning to sew is a great idea. I learned when I was a kid, and it serves me well when I can't find anything to wear. I can always make something, and I know it will fit perfectly and flatter my "grown-up" figure.

Sonda in OR said...

Sorry to hear about your dad, Melissa!! It's things like that make everything else just that much worse! Keep up all your healthy's better to try than to do nothing at all. And big hugs to you!!! Take care.

Kim said...

Melissa---I saw the comment in the 'comments' about your dad! I am SO SO SORRY for your loss. There are no words, and I hope things are going as well as can be expected in your world right now. Please, you have my email, feel free to use it if you want to 'talk' or ramble or whatever. Big gian {{{hugs}}} to you! ~Kim

Meari said...

I can so relate to your clothes shopping experience. I dislike clothes shopping for the same reason!